Tag: Jokes

New Sex Doll Has a ‘Family Mode’

Japan Invents High Tech Realistic Looking Sex DollsA man recently introduced his hyper-realistic sex robot to the world by bringing her on a popular morning show in the UK. You can imagine shocked viewers reactions when he explained that “Samantha” hangs out with his wife and children. The man is co-founder of a website that sells lifelike sex robots—which apparently come with a “family mode” that prevents the dolls from saying anything x-rated in mixed company.

“She can talk about animals, she can talk about philosophy, she can talk about science. She has programmed 1,000 jokes,” explained the man’s wife. She defended having a sex robot around her children by saying that it “helps people” because there’s no reason to have an affair. She also added that she has threesomes with Samantha and her husband, which has added a lot of fun to their sex life.

Looking for something unconventional? Come have some fun right here at NiteFlirt!

Check out more about the sex doll with a “family mode”: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-4876014/Man-created-3-500-lifelike-sex-doll-that.html

9 Hilarious Sex Jokes

http---distractify-media-prod.cdn.bingo-2034374-980xPeople on the internet are hilarious—especially when it comes to cracking sex jokes. Take, for example, this apt comparison between sex and laundry detergent: 4 pumps = 1 load. Here are other hilarious sex jokes, courtesy of the internet!

  1. “Cake is better than sex because I can remember the last time I had cake.”
    Let them eat cake—off your naked body! Or better yet, splosh with it!
  2. “Sex is a lot like Mario Kart: you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.”
    Describes it perfectly!
  3. “Sex is like pizza, if you’re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the fuck you’re doing.”
    It’s funny ’cause it’s true!
  4. “I got birth control so I can stop being my boyfriend’s Toaster Strudel and start being his Twinkie.”
    Mmm, delicious!
  5. “*in the middle of sex
    “Go deeper”
    Okay
    *pulls out*
    *sits in a chair and sips coffee*
    *opens poetry book*
    Two roads diverged in a wood and I-”
    There’s deeper and then there’s deeper.
  6. “Boy do I love sex. Really love putting my penis into some *looks at smudged writing on hand* verguba.”
    Practice makes perfect!
  7. “Me: Netflix & chill?
    Her: sure
    [later that night]
    Her: so you don’t have Netflix?
    Me [pulling out 20 condoms]: I don’t have chill either”
    The truth will set you free—and get you laid!
  8. “*has sex with you*
    *declines your FB friend request*”
    Keeping it casual!
  9. “when two country music stars have sex they morph into a ford f-150.”
    Exciting!

Looking for some quality entertainment yourself? There’s only one thing better than a good laugh—check out NiteFlirt to get the punchline!

Here’s more of the best sex jokes on the internet: https://www.buzzfeed.com/kevinsmith/about-8-inches-makes-june-5th-wettest-in-history

10 Phrases You Can Use During Sex and at a Funeral

michelleIt’s crazy how certain phrases work in different situations. This is especially true of things you can say during sex AND during a funeral! Here are the funniest ones.

  1. “I’m sorry, were you close?”
    Yuk yuk yuk!
  2. “It was the second stroke that did it…”
    Tragically, that does happen occasionally.
  3. “I know she touched everyone in this room.”
    And a moment of silence follows…
  4. “Do you need a tissue?”
    How considerate.
  5. “It’s so unbelievable hard…”
    Grieving or thirsty, hard to tell.
  6. “Thanks for coming.”
    Of course!
  7. “Lovely spread.”
    Thank you.
  8. “I’m sorry.”
    We’ve all heard that one…
  9. “I think she was suffering towards the end.”
    Yes, but it’s all over now.
  10. “My sister would have loved this.”
    Well, bring her along next time!

Feeling a little thirsty yourself? We’re so glad that you came to NiteFlirt!

Check out more things you say during sex and during a funeral: https://www.buzzfeed.com/beckybarnicoat/xx-things-you-could-say-during-sex-or-at-a-funeral

10 Raunchy Sex Jokes That’ll Make You Say ‘WTF’

best_phone_sex_niteflirt_amy_schumerHere at NiteFlirt, we love us some dirty jokes. But then again, there are dirty jokes and then there are dirty jokes. Here are some of the most hilarious and cringeworthy ones out there.

  1. Why did Miss Piggy douche with honey?
    Kermit likes honey-glazed ham.
  2. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
    She gagged.
  3. How do you know if a guy has a high sperm count?
    You have to chew before you swallow.
  4. What do a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have in common?
    They can smell it, but they can’t eat it.
  5. What do eating pussy and smoking cigarettes have in common?
    The closer you get to the butt, the worse it tastes.
  6. What happened to Pinocchio when he was masturbating?
    He caught fire.
  7. What does Popeye’s dick smell like?
    Olive oil.
  8. What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked?
    A seatbelt.
  9. What’s the difference between jam and jelly?
    You can’t jelly something up your ass.
  10. What’s red and has seven dents in it?
    Snow White’s cherry.

Looking for something a little raunchy? Let’s get dirty!

Check out more dirty jokes: https://www.buzzfeed.com/spenceralthouse/nsfw-sex-jokes

8 Dirty Jokes That Will Make Women Scream With Laughter

oldsexSometimes, when it comes to sex, women need to laugh to keep from crying. After all, if the guy didn’t make you cum, laughter is at least the next best thing. Here are 8 dirty jokes that will have women screaming with laughter.

  1. “Is this about sucking dick? Sign reads: ‘If at first you don’t succeed, fix your ponytail and try again.’”
    It’s funny cause it’s true!
  2. “*during sex*
    him: fuck. ur tight.
    me: thanks. ur pretty cool too.”
    Such a lovely compliment!
  3. “Me, while he’s 6ft deep in my cervix: hey can I ask u something? Why didn’t u tell me u were gonna be late earlier. I don’t mind if you wanna go out with your friends I just want us to communicate.”
    Bwhahahahaha!
  4. “Guy: Fuck her from the back while she’s cooking eggs in morning for you.
    Response: Y’all gonna learn to stop taking sex advice from tumblr when ya titty hit that hot pan on the stove.”
    Seriously—that could get dangerous!
  5. “If you sucked my titties you can never talk shit about me I’m your mom now respect me.”
    Mama knows!
  6. “*having sex*
    boy: did you cum yet
    girl: not yet
    boy: *does nothing* how about now?
    girl: sure
    boy: sweet”
    We’ve all been there…
  7. “Me: I’m only meeting him to chill.Me to me: shave your pussy just in case.”
    They don’t call it Netflix and Chill for nothing!
  8. “Guy: *gets blowjob*Guy: did u cum babe?”
    This is exactly why they should teach Sex Ed in school!

Looking to get dirty? We can make you scream with pleasure right here!

Check out more dirty sex jokes for women: https://www.buzzfeed.com/jasminnahar/jokes-about-sex-that-will-make-women-laugh-way-harder-tha

9 Hilarious Tweets About Masturbating

Image Source: Flickr.com | User: rccola159When it comes to cracking jokes about jerking off, you just have to give a hand (see what we did there?) to these witty people writing hilarious tweets about masturbating. As one Twitter user says, masturbation is really just a “VERY poorly attended orgy.” Here are 9 hilarious tweets about masturbating.

  1. “Good term for masturbation I just thought of – Jackin’ the peen stalk”
    Gotta climb to the top of the peen stalk and wrestle the one-eyed ogre to get that golden goose!
  2. “My caught masturbating face is exactly the same as my caught jamming out to NSYNC face because they’re simultaneous.”
    We don’t know, the latter might be more embarrassing…
  3. “Who called it “Masturbation tips for women” rather than ‘Dildos and Dildon’ts’.”
    It’s funny cause it’s true!
  4. “If there’s a sock on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with the other one.”
    Make sure you knock before entering!
  5. “If these walls could talk I’d almost certainly masturbate less.”
    Good thing they can’t—no reason to stop jerkin’ it!
  6. “Do guys have a go to masturbation sock like I do with shoesHAHAHA I’M KIDDING! I would never! I’m a lady.

    It’s an adorable strappy sandal.”
    Talk about a foot fetish!
  7. “The first rule of masturbation club is to come alone.#NationalMasturbationDay”
    The second rule of masturbation club: You do not talk about masturbation club—unless you’re cracking jokes about it on Twitter!
  8. “Is ‘toot my own horn’ a euphemism for masturbating yet?”
    It is now!
  9. “My friends gave me a bunch of sex toys for my birthday as a ‘joke.’ I can’t stop laughing*

    *masturbating”
    The gift that keeps on giving, er, receiving?

Looking to find some good lovin’ without the aid of a sock? We don’t mean to toot our own horn, but a NiteFlirt party is SO much better than a party of one!

Check out more hilarious tweets about masturbating here: https://www.buzzfeed.com/jasminnahar/tweets-about-masturbating-that-are-just-really-really-fun#.iaDVgWbqox