Tag: Jokes

8 Hilarious And Bawdy Tweets About Sex

Having a rough week? We have something to cheer you up—and it’s almost as good as sex. Here are 8 hilarious tweets about sex:

  1. “My favorite sex position is when someone makes a playlist for me.”
    I put my thang down flip it and reverse it!
  2. “When vegans have sex they ask to be artichoked.”
    Delicious BDSM!
  3. “pee after sex or you will get a tgi friday’s”
    And not the kind with a salad bar…
  4. “pee after sex or else you’ll get another U2 album automatically added to your phone.”
    Good to know!
  5. “british people be having sex like: mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving.”
    Cheeky!
  6. “men cum in 60 seconds and say they wanna make a sex tape.. you mean a tik tok bro?”
    Burn!
  7. “During lovemaking you ask your gf to put her finger in your butt. She does & when she pulls it out there’s an engagement ring on it.”
    True romance!
  8. “I dead ass ate pineapples for a month and this boy told me my pussy tasted like cheetos sooo y’all lying out here.”
    Who doesn’t like Cheetos?

Know what’s as good as sex? NiteFlirt!

Check out more funny tweets about sex: https://www.buzzfeed.com/ryanschocket2/sex-tweets-2021

7 Funny Tweets About Having A Pussy

People on Twitter have been looking inward (no pun intended!) since the lockdown began—and yes we’re talking about pussies! Whether the ladies need to bemoan quarantine-celibacy or not being able to get a wax, these tweets capture what life is like for pussies right now. Here are the best 7 tweets about having a pussy:

  1. “who called it vagina and not penis flytrap”
    Pussy dad joke?
  2. “*coughs*
    *dust shoots out of vagina*”
    Not sure there’s a mask for that…
  3. “Before lockdown, I had laser hair removal on my lady parts. They only did the top half and I didn’t get to go back for the bottom half. Now my vag is bare up top, and a bush down below. My vagina has a mullet.”
    Could be a new hair trend!
  4. “My 4-yr old just fell off her bike and said, ‘I fell and it hurt my vagina, but I got right back up.’ New motto to live by, ladies.”
    Right on!
  5. “I haven’t seen my vagina in a month. My bf says she’s doing good but what the hell do he know.”
    It’s all about trust in a relationship…
  6. “I once accidentally sent a photo of my vagina to my son’s guidance counselor and she emailed me saying she had received a ‘very disturbing image’ from me and I’m still waiting for an apology.”
    Fair enough!
  7. “I haven’t been touched in so long my vagina is now purely decorative.”
    We can help with that!

Do you love pussy? Come show your appreciation right here at NiteFlirt!

Check out more funny tweets about having a pussy: https://www.buzzfeed.com/crystalro/funny-vagina-tweets-2

10 Hilarious Tweets About Sex After Kids

If you’re a parent, you know the often hilarious truth about sex after kids. As one tweet accurately puts it, “Your sex life as a parent basically becomes ‘Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.’” Here are the funniest tweets from parents about post-kids sex.

  1. “If your sexytime music is cartoons playing loudly outside your locked door, you might be a parent.”
    Mood music!
  2. “Husband and I wrestled behind closed doors this morning. My daughter busted in and pounced on his back.
    No one won the wrestling match. No one.”
    Time for a rematch?
  3. “Me: Do that thing I like
    Husband: [takes the kids and leaves]”
    Sexy!
  4. “[Married pillow-talk]
    Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
    Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.”
    Dirty talk indeed!
  5. “Being married with children is like being a teenager again. You can only have sex if you sneak around and don’t get caught.”
    That can be hot!
  6. “Be sure to keep the spark alive by texting him sexy little nothings like,
    ‘We need to check the kids for lice’ and ‘please buy tampons.'”
    A truly generous lover!
  7. “Having sex when you’re a parent is like trying to shoot from half court with 3 seconds left on the clock.”
    Score!
  8. “Before kids: shower sex
    After kids: shower decontamination.”
    Dangerous when wet!
  9. “Him: What are you wearing?
    Me: Medical-grade hospital socks with anti-slip technology.”
    There is probably a fetish for that…
  10. “The best thing about sex after kids is probably no matter where in your house or car you do it, you end up with legos, Barbie shoes, or Shopkins lodged in your body.”
    Professional hazards.

Looking to re-spark your sex life? You don’t need a babysitter for NiteFlirt!

Check out more funny tweets about sex after kids: https://www.buzzfeed.com/asiawmclain/funny-sex-after-kids-tweets

8 Dirty Disney Jokes

24503004315_94fb07d7e3_zDid you know Disney has a dirty side? Well, if you didn’t you won’t be able to think of these classics without getting filthy thoughts for now on! Here are 8 dirty Disney jokes sure to ruin your childhood.

  1. Q: What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
    A: She gagged.
  2. Q: Where is Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out?
    A: Wendy’s.
  3. Q: Why did Chip and Dale take Daisy Duck to the hospital?
    A: Because they busted a nut in her.
  4. Q: What happened after Snow White sat in the bath, feeling happy?
    A: Happy got out, so she felt Grumpy.
  5. Q: Why does Bambi’s friend, Thumper, not make noise during sex?
    A: Because he has cotton balls.
  6. Q: Why did Snow White get kicked out of Disneyland?
    A: She sat on Pinocchio’s face and said, “Lie to me! Lie to me!”
  7. Q: Minnie told Mickey she wanted a divorce. He responded, “Are you fucking serious?!”
    A: Minnie responded: “No. I’m fucking Goofy!”
  8. Q: Why was Tigger in the bathroom for so long?
    A: He had Pooh stuck inside him.

Looking for something to make you smile? We’re all about dirty fun here at NiteFlirt!

Check out more dirty Disney jokes: https://www.buzzfeed.com/spenceralthouse/really-dirty-disney-jokes

8 Hilarious Tweets About Sex

deliveyrinrear-haymarketrebelTwitter nails it (pun intended!) on the raunchy tweets. The Twitterverse just seems to understand how well the platform works for sex jokes. Here are 8 of the most hilarious and naughty tweets about sex.

  1. “[during sex]
    Me: hurt me
    Him: your metabolism isn’t what it was in high school and it shows
    Me: wait
    Him: you never lived up to your potential because you rely on talent instead of work ethic & immediately abandon everything you’re bad at because you’re afraid of failure.”
    Ouch!
  2. “‘Okay now let’s do a silly one!’ – me after sex.”
    It’s funny cause it’s true…
  3. “pee after sex or you will get a tgi friday’s.”
    Or an HGTV!
  4. “british people be having sex like:
    mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving.”
    Cheerio!
  5. “i’m tryna have sex so rough that the earthquake is shook.”
    Sex goals right there.
  6. “Shower sex is overrated fuck me in the microwave.”
    Inventive!
  7. “Sex is like pizza, if you’re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the fuck you’re doing.”
    Sage advice.
  8. “yeah sure love is love but I’m pretty sure douching ur ass for 2 hours to bottom for a top who you have to double text in order to get a one word response isn’t love, sweetie.”
    Words to live by.

Looking to have a good time? Let’s get naughty at NiteFlirt!

Check out more raunchy sex tweets: https://www.buzzfeed.com/ryanschocket2/just-22-hilarious-tweets-about-sex

7 Gay Porn Memes That’ll Make You Laugh Really, Really Hard

9741737763_d422cd07c8_zWhat is it about gay porn that lends itself so well to hilarious memes? All we can say is that these memes which fuse the everyday with raunchy gay porn will bring you to your knees with laughter. As BuzzFeed says, art cums in many forms.

  1. Trying to open a jar:
    “Fuck, you’re so tight.”
  2. When you show your best friends your dope new tat:
    “Ugh! That’s really good.”
  3. When the vending machine finally accepts your bill:
    “Oh yeah suck it up bitch.”
  4. Me eating a biscuit at Popeyes without a drink:
    “Fuck you’re thick.”
  5. When your mom tells you dinner is ready:
    “I’m coming!”
  6. When you go back home and see your friend’s puppy for the first time in a few months:
    “Fuck, it’s so big.”
  7. Me: Can I get two tacos?
    Taco Bell cashier: “You want it hard or you want it soft?”

Looking for some raunchy fun? Fuck, call NiteFlirt!

Check out more gay porn memes: https://www.buzzfeed.com/pablovaldivia/gay-porn-memes

‘Hurt Me’ Sex Memes Are Hilariously Painful

feet-1095408_1280The latest Twitter meme is causing pain to BDSM enthusiasts—pain from too much laughter, that is. Kinksters who like to inflict pain during BDSM sessions will get a real kick out of the new “hurt me” meme. It turns out there’s a lot of different ways to “hurt” someone…

  1. Me during sex: hurt me
    Them: we are in august and you haven’t done anything right with your life in the whole year
    Me: what
    Them: what about all of that new year resolutions you were about to do this year??? Where are they??
    Me: stop
  2. Me: I want you to hurt me 😉
    Them: My Chemical Romance broke up
    Me: Wait-
    Them: 5 years ago
    Me: STOP!
  3. [during sex] me: hurt me
    her: sir this is a McDonald’s
    me: McHurt me
  4. Me: I want you to hurt me
    Her: You’ll never get to save the quarian ark
    Me: Wait
    Her: And it’s going to be years before there’s another Mass Effect or Dragon Age
    Me: Stop!

Looking for something that hurts so good? Just make sure you bring your safe word on NiteFlirt!

Check out more “hurt me” memes: https://www.dailydot.com/unclick/hurt-me-sex-memes/

9 Mind-Blowing(ly Funny) Sex Jokes

sexinspaceWhen it comes to sex, feisty Twitter users want to make us scream—with laughter, that is. That’s right, the dirty joksters of Twitter are at it again, and this time they’re really bringing the raunchiness. Here are 9 sex jokes that are sure to blow your mind:

  1. “[during sex]
    her: call me names
    me: george.”
    Well, at least you didn’t call her by the wrong name…
  2. “Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye.”
    Not having sex is dangerous, people!
  3. “The strap on the back of crocs is so they stay on during sex.”
    Adventurous!
  4. “[After sex] Sorry I was clapping so much.”
    Bravo, you sex machine, you!
  5. “Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.”
    Naughty, naughty Mario!
  6. “Shower sex is overrated fuck me in the microwave.”
    Hot!
  7. “[during sex]
    her: i want you to hurt me
    me: your sister’s more successful than you
    her: wait
    me: not a big fan of the new haircut
    her: stop.”
    Kinky!
  8. “casual sex means you get to wear jeans during it.”
    Ummm….
  9. “[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] ‘Go on without me.'”
    Not much of a go-get-er, eh?

Want to get your jollies off? Let us make you scream right here at NiteFlirt!

Check out more Twitter sex jokes: https://www.buzzfeed.com/jamiejones/jokes-about-sex-that-will-have-you-screaming

This Is The Horniest Meme On The Internet

15417952809_93966489b5_zWhat’s the longest you’ve gone without getting some? If you’re like the rest of us, you’ve probably gone through a “sex dry spell” at one point or another—which is why the “days without sex” meme on Twitter is so relatable and hilarious. Here are the best ones to lighten the mood when you’ve gone too long without some good good lovin’ (check out more below).

  1. “Day 71 without sex: my smart watch thinks I’ve jogged 3 miles today but I haven’t left the house.”
    Good way to stay busy when you aren’t getting busy!
  2. “Day 16 without sex and I’m constantly drinking boba just so I can have balls in my mouth.”
    Tasty AND resourceful!
  3. “day 187 without sex: I just spit on my popsicle before putting it in my mouth.”
    Sexy and sweet!
  4. “Day 213 without sex: plugged my charger into my phone and whispered ‘you like that?’”
    Now that’s dirty talking!
  5. “Day 227 without sex : I got excited when the man at subway asked if I wanted 6 inch or 12 x”
    Size matters at Subway!
  6. “Day 1738 without sex: threw the blue shell in Mario Kart while I was already in first place to remember what it’s like to get hit from behind.”
    Naughty naughty, Mario!
  7. “Day 0 without sex: life fucks me everyday.”
    But sex makes everything better!

Looking to end a sexual dry spell? We’re always wet here at NiteFlirt!

Check out more of the funniest sex dry spell tweets: https://www.dailydot.com/unclick/the-days-without-sex-meme-is-a-hilarious-way-to-roast-your-own-sex-life/

11 Hilarious Masturbation Jokes That Are Just Filthy

Image Source: Flickr.com | Richard FosterWe all need a little laughter over the holidays—not to mention some good self-love. Because let’s face it, humor and jerking off are the best tools for a stress-free holiday season. Here are 11 masturbation jokes to make your holiday a little brighter.

  1. “The worst part of jerking off is closing the other six tabs of porn I didn’t even get to and realizing this is as ambitious as I get.” It’s funny cause it’s true…
  2. “The first person that masturbated must have been like YOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.” Yup!
  3. “Do you ever get so bored that you’re like I guess I’ll masturbate.” Mmm hmm.
  4. “’911, what’s your emergency‘
    ‘I’m masturbating too much’
    ‘Sir that’s not really a problem’
    ‘One sec. DID YOU HEAR THAT MOM? NOW GET OFF MY CASE’” Yeah, mom!
  5. “It’s so awkward when you shout out someone else’s hand during masturbation.” Whoops!
  6. “Welcome to masturbation anonymous. I see everybody came today. That’s disappointing.” A good head count!
  7. “According to my Nike Fuel Band, I just masturbated for 4 miles.” Life goals!
  8. “*not horny but masturbates just in case I was*” Always a good idea to come prepared.
  9. “Is masturbating while smoking weed called masturblazing? No, it’s called highjacking. Guys no it’s weedwhacking. No it’s called disappointing ur mother.” Sorry, ma!
  10. “First time masturbating: whoa that was great. Last time masturbating: whoa that was great.” Pretty much!
  11. “I feel like porn has given me such unrealistic expectations for sex. For example, having it with another person.” Let NiteFlirt lend a helping hand!

Fappy holidays, everybody! Let’s get filthy on NiteFlirt!

Check out more hilarious masturbation jokes: https://www.buzzfeed.com/annaborges/so-much-masturbation