Don’t Worry, Ted Cruz Won’t Ban Sex Toys If He’s President

republicanelephantLast week, the internet was abuzz with the rumored hypocrisy of GOP presidential candidate Ted Cruz. In 2007, when Cruz was solicitor general of Texas, he defended a state law that criminalized the sale of sex toys. Basically, Cruz’s office wrote in a brief that people don’t have the legal right to masturbate (thankfully, his office lost). The recent coverage caused many a self-love advocate to weigh in, including Cruz’s college roommate who called Cruz out on his sanctimonious BS.

The ex-roommate tweeted, “Ted Cruz thinks people don’t have a right to ‘stimulate their genitals.’ I was his college roommate. This would be a new belief of his.” In Cruz’s 2007 brief, he said “There is no substantive-due-process right to stimulate one’s genitals for non-medical purposes unrelated to procreation or outside of an interpersonal relationship.” But Cruz clarified his position on sex toys recently when he told WABC radio host Curtis Sliwa that he will not enact anti-sex toy legislation if he makes it to the White House. “What people do in their own private time with their selves is their own business, and it’s none of government’s business,” Cruz said. How true, Ted Cruz—now if only the American people were able to wipe from their imaginations the countless hours you spent “minding your own business” in college…

Looking to turn your attention to your own private time? You don’t need due-process to get some good loving’ with us!

Check out more about the controversy around Ted Cruz banning sex toys here: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/ted-cruz-dildos-sex-toy_us_57127615e4b0018f9cba3aad

‘Vote Trump, Get Dumped’ Campaign Stages Sex Strike Against Trump Supporters

votetrumpgetdumpedThroughout history, women have staged sex strikes to raise awareness for important political issues. And now, a couple from Ohio is starting a campaign to get women to pledge that they won’t “date, sleep with, or canoodle with” anyone who supports GOP candidate Donald Trump. “The Greeks did it. Women during the temperance movement did it,” the Vote Trump, Get Dumped website reads. “This is a tried and true method of getting men’s attention when they’re being dumb.” The campaign’s Facebook image is of a pair of naked, crossed legs that represents what Slate is calling “political chastity.”

“To cast a vote for Trump is to agree with his sexist, perverted, demeaning, backwards, offensive treatment of women,” the website reads. Vote Trump, Get Dumped compiled a damning compilation of the worst things Trump has said about women over the years. Many of his most outrageously misogynist quotes have been made into mock-motivational posters with beautiful scenic backgrounds, including this gem: “You know, it really doesn’t matter what [the media] write, as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass.” Viewers are asked to imagine having a president who says things like, “If Hillary Clinton can’t satisfy her husband what makes her think she can satisfy America?” As sex strikes usually go, they’re more about getting the media’s attention and raising awareness of important issues than in actually convincing men to change their minds as a result of desperate horniness. It also allows frustrated women to have a fun outlet to vent their rage.

Looking for a fun outlet yourself? No matter your politics, you can be sure we satisfy here!

Check out more about Vote Trump, Get Dumped: https://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2016/03/23/vote_trump_get_dumped_campaign_asks_women_to_stage_a_sex_strike_against.html

Donald Trump Wanted to Debate His Dick Size

small handsIn what has to be one of the most bizarre moments in election history, Donald Trump felt the need to bring up his dick as an important talking point during the most recent GOP presidential debate. Trump wants the American people to rest assured that he does not have a small penis. Because, obviously, one of the most important requirements for being the leader of the free world is cock size.

He was responding to comments Marco Rubio made about Trump’s hands, when Rubio basically implied—much in the way that middler schoolers do—that his small hands mean he also has a small penis. Trump responded by saying, “Look at those hands. Are they small hands? [Rubio] referred to my hands, ‘if they’re small, something else must be small.’ I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee.” Rubio brought up Trump’s hands as a response to being called “Little Rubio” by the businessman, saying, “And you know what they say about men with small hands? You can’t trust them.” There’s only one logical way for this public pissing match to end: with both candidates whipping out Little Trump and Little Rubio and letting the people decide! Now that’s the American way!

Want to “bring up the cock” in non-political ways? We can guarantee there’s no problem with that!

Check out more about Donald Trump debating his dick size here: https://www.cnn.com/2016/03/03/politics/donald-trump-small-hands-marco-rubio/