10 Sexual Christmas Decorations

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sexyxmaswomanIt’s that time of year when everyone is spreading holiday cheer—and we aren’t talking about songs and presents. What is it about Christmas that brings out people’s naughty side? From humping reindeers, to explicit Mr. and Mrs. Claus ornaments, we’ve got 10 Christmas decorations that prove there’s nothing innocent about stocking stuffers (check out the images below).

  1. XXX Mr. and Mrs. Claus Ornaments
    Santa is hanging from the tree in his birthday suit with his hat covering his dick, while Mrs. Claus is naked and holding her big tits! You made the naughty list this year, Santa!
  2. ‘Jingle My Bells’ Ugly Sweater
    Two jingle bells right over the tits. This ugly sweater is sure to spread holiday cheer!
  3. The Festive X-mas Sock—For Your Cock
    The Tuggie is “the fuzzy sock that warms your cock!”
  4. The Blow Job Snow Globe
    That snow man sure looks happy getting his “snow job!”
  5. Santa’s Sack Ornament
    Instead of the usual red sack—Santa’s actual hairy sack!
  6. Feisty Reindeer and Polar Beer Lawn Ornament
    “What says Merry Christmas better than a polar beer rimming a humping reindeer?”
  7. Cock Shaped Christmas Lights
    “They’re just bursting with holiday spirit!”
  8. Elf on a Shelf With a Magical Surprise
    Cock in a box! Surprise!
  9. XXX Reindeer X-mas Mug
    What better way to enjoy hot chocolate than in your favorite humping reindeer holiday mug?
  10. Elf with a Cannon Lawn Ornament
    Oh yes, a totally innocent elf shooting a cock-shaped cannon.

Want to get a little naughty this holiday season? We love stocking stuffers and snow jobs here!

Check out more naughty X-mas decorations here: https://distractify.com/humor/2015/12/05/margot-decorations-you-actually-want

Porn Stars Give Guys Oral Sex Tips

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womandominatingmanHelpful porn stars decided to give some clueless guys a tutorial about how to eat pussy. To help the guys learn the right way to please ladies during foreplay, the porn stars demonstrated how to give really good head on oysters. And as you can imagine, things got very messy, and very weird (check out the video below). Here are some highlights.

First, one porn star demonstrated how to get a lady all revved up by kissing the oyster as if it were the belly, down to the thighs, and so on. Then, a different porn star instructed her student “to lick up and down, and spit on it [here she spits on her oyster]. Get it all nice and wet.” In other questionable advice, a porn star tells her student that he’s “gotta buff it first.” One lady gave excellent advice: “definitely if she says, ‘Don’t stop, keep going,” please don’t stop!” One student asked a very good question [after putting too much tabasco on his oyster]: “if a pussy burns your face, what should you do?” The answer: “run!” Other helpful tips included swirling and using an unpredictable rhythm with the tongue on the clit, and definitely using fingers in addition to giving her clit lots of love and attention. Oh yeah, and definitely don’t squeeze lemon on her pussy!

In the mood for some messy fun yourself? You don’t need a dozen oysters to get a lady to yell, “please don’t stop!”

Check out the video of porn stars teaching guys to eat pussy on oysters here: https://distractify.com/humor/2015/12/10/mustafa-porn-stars-drop-knowledge

The Best Sex Toys to Give as Holiday Gifts

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best_phone_sex_niteflirt_fleshlight_launchpadGiving a sex toy to your partner or a close friend is a fun and cheeky way to add new meaning to the usual holiday “stocking stuffer” gift. Sex toys are also the gifts that keep on giving, literally—who wouldn’t want a shiny new toy that will give endless amounts of pleasure? Here are some tips for what to get the tech nerd in your life (wifi controlled vibrator, anyone?) or the newbie to kink (Fifty Shades of Grey themed sex toys!).

  1. OhMyBod Vibrator
    This sex toy is perfect for the person who’s always in search of the newest and best technology—and, of course, orgasm! It can be controlled by a phone, sexily connecting partners via wifi.
  2. Chocolate Edible Honey Dusting Powder
    If you have a partner who’s a genius in the kitchen, why not bring those talents into the bedroom with this tasty treat? There’s always room for dessert!
  3. Seduction in a Box
    Spice up your sex life with this nifty stocking stuffer. It includes a blindfold, massage candle, sexy dice and arousal balm. Thanks, Santa!
  4. Vesper Vibrator Necklace
    Do you have a friend who is a sucker for jewelry and getting off? If so, what could be better than a chic necklace that doubles as a vibrator?
  5. Greygasms Devoted BDSM Set
    Give the BDSM newbie in your life this awesome gift: it includes furry handcuffs, nipple clamps, and an unassuming-looking gag.
  6. Jimmyjane Afterglow Candle
    This scented candle not only sets the mood, but also has function—you can use the wax for an erotic massage!
  7. Wave Rider Cock Rings
    Perfect stocking stuffer!
  8. Date Night Card Game
    This game will give you both a sexy way to talk about what turns you on. And don’t forget the action cards!

Do you want to be added to the Naughty List this year? Hitch a ride on our magical sleigh and you’re sure to get endless amounts of pleasure!

Check out more great sex toys to give as holiday gifts here: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/best-sex-toys-gift-guide_56463eace4b08cda3488b293

Guys Try Tinder For the First Time

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best_phone_sex_niteflirt_tinder“Okay, so it’s left if I’m not interested, right if I am interested, correct?” Well, yeah; that’s pretty much the gist of it. That and the promise of finding hot dates with minimal difficulty. In Buzzfeed’s new video, guys try Tinder for the first time and experience all the quirks of trying to find romance on a dating app. Here are some highlights.

“This person’s kissing another person. I don’t know what that means…” says one confused new-comer. Another guy isn’t sure why a woman is sucking her finger provocatively while eating a croissant, other than that seems cool: “I’m down to eat croissants!” In another sexually suggestive picture, you just see “boobs and there’s like a cigarette hanging out of her mouth.” After scrolling through the seemingly endless selfies, confusing pics of people and their friends (“I have no clue which one you are.”), options to view “Tinder Plus,” (whatever that is) and accidental swipes right, one astute newbie says, “this feels like shopping for people.” Except with more boobs, of course.

In the mood for a hot date? You don’t need to scroll endlessly through sexually suggestive selfies for that—we are always down to eat croissants and swipe right here!

Check out Buzzfeed’s video of guys trying Tinder for the first time: https://chroniclevitae.com/jobs/0000910017-01

7 Sex Mistakes You Didn’t Know You Were Making

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condompinHave you ever torn open a condom wrapper with your teeth? Or double-bagged a condom for extra protection? If so, you are like the countless others who’ve made a sex mistake without realizing it. Oops! Here are 7 sex mistakes you didn’t know you were making.

  1. Opening the condom wrapper with your teeth
    Though you may think this is hot, you should never use sharp objects like your teeth, a knife or scissors to open the condom package. In a study, people who opened the wrapper this way were three times more likely to encounter breakage. Scary not sexy!
  2. Only kissing on the lips
    Kissing is sexy, no doubt about it, but did you know that there are 10 other erogenous zones begging to be paid attention to? Better start putting those lips to work!
  3. Forgetting to put lube inside the condom
    If you’ve only been putting lube on the outside of the condom, a sexologist has this to say, “Always use [water or silicone-based] lube inside the condom. It prevents breakage and plus, it actually feels so much better for the condom wearer.” Be careful not to use too much, though: the condom could slip off.
  4. Double-bagging it
    Using two condoms does not increase your protection; in fact, it increases the risk that the condom will break due to friction.
  5. Not watching your diet
    If your libido has been lacking lately, it might be time to check your diet. Nutrient rich foods like blackberries, watermelon, ginger, broccoli, and oysters can help enhance libido and sexual endurance.
  6. Not having sex after the gym
    If you usually hit the shower instead of hitting the sheets, you need to change your routine. Science shows that blood flow to your genital area is higher after a workout, which increases sexual function. The increased testosterone also puts you in the mood.
  7. Not having enough sex
    “Having sex can improve your sleep cycle, lower your blood pressure, ease stress, burn calories, clear up nasal congestion, fight depression and yes, help you live longer,” says Distractify. Nuff said!

Want to get your blood flowing and enhance your libido? We’ve got something better than oysters right here!

Check out more sex mistakes you didn’t know you were making!

Hilarious Video Shows People Thinking Sex Toys Are ‘Beauty Products’

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best_phone_sex_niteflirt_autoblow2Have you ever noticed how some sex toys really look like beauty products? There’s the infamous Lipstick Vibrator, but what about the anal probe hair curler? Well, that doesn’t exist, but some unsuspecting people thought it did when they were given sex toys that they were told were “cutting edge beauty products.” And as you can imagine, hilarity ensued. Here are some highlights (watch the video below).

First they were given an anal probe, which one woman tried to put water in to use as a face mister! Some other women thought it was maybe a curling iron…without the heat? Next up, lube. The test subjects immediately began rubbing it on their hands: “it is soothing. Oh, my hands look beautiful!” Then it was time for the Pocket Rocket. One woman started rubbing it on her face like a (facial?) massager: “Oh, that’s kind of amazing.” And when they got the Lipstick Vibrator, you guessed it, they started rubbing it over their lips: “I don’t think I’d give this to a teenager,” one older woman said. “Why? Use your imagination.” Last, they were given a straight up vibrator—and they still didn’t catch on! “The way that they market this, is that you put this nub in your mouth,” said one woman, who was so much more correct than she ever could have imagined!

Want to have some amazing good times yourself? We can soothe all your needs right here!

Check out the video of people thinking sex toys were beauty products here: https://www.buzzfeed.com/candacelowry/people-were-given-sex-toys-thinking-they-were-beauty-product#.ba614xYPBA

The 10 Most Awkward Sex Confessions

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15929936930_14a78eca47_mLet’s face it, most of us have an embarrassing sex story. Or if not a story, then at least a moment. Recently, anonymous people from around the web took to Whisper to share their most awkward sex confessions. And as you can imagine, what they have to say is pretty cringeworthy—and hilarious! Here are the 10 most awkward sex confessions.

  1. “The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I accidentally mooed during sex…”
    Well, who hasn’t made the occasional animal noise? That just means you’re really enjoying yourself!
  2. “I once held my own hand during sex.”
    We all need a little self love every now and again!
  3. “Once when I was having sex with this guy, his parents texted us to be quiet.”
    “Dave, this is mom and dad. We’re glad that you have a new friend to play with, but we need you to keep it down. Okay, hun? Dinner’s in 30.”
  4. “My boyfriend moaned his cat’s name during sex.”
    This gives new meaning to the expression “feline friend”…
  5. “I once broke somebody’s arm during sex. That was the last time I saw her.”
    This is why we have safe words, people!
  6. “Once I had a cold and I made a sound like Chewbacca while I was having sex.”
    Chewie needs love, too!
  7. “I answered a phone call from my dad in the middle of sex…”
    Was he calling to ask you to keep it down? Cause you didn’t answer his and mom’s text from before?
  8. “My fwb whispered ‘come baby’ in my ear when we were having sex. I just thought of him as a sloth and got creeped out.”
    Is that what sloth’s whisper during sex? We’ll never think of sloths in the same way again!
  9. “Once during sex, as I was climaxing, I shouted ‘That’s finger-licking good!’
    Kernel Sanders would approve that message!
  10. “One time while having sex with my ex, I read a psychology book out loud so my parents wouldn’t get suspicious.”
    Freudian!

In the mood to make some uncontrollable animal/Chewbacca noises? Come have some Freudian experiences with us!

Here are more awkward sex confessions.

Everything You Wanted To Know About Lesbian Sex But Were Afraid To Ask

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best_phone_sex_niteflirt_lesbiansHuffpost Gay Voices recently asked real lesbians about real lesbian sex to find out what really goes on under the sheets (“or on top of the kitchen table or in the back seat of an Uber”). Their candid responses help to clarify what’s true about lesbian sex and what’s myth. Here are their answers to the most frequently asked questions about lesbian sex.

  1. What Is ‘Sex’ When It’s Between Two Women?
    “Anything we want it to be, honestly. Lesbian sex is about intimacy and pleasure, which is what any kind of sex really should be about.” True enough! Just use your imagination…
  2. Are There Specific Things That All Queer Women Do In Bed?
    “Lesbian sex isn’t just about scissoring, strap-ons, or eating pussy. There are an infinite number of ways that queer women have sex and an infinite number ways that queer women define sex.” Again, with a little imagination, the possibilities are infinite!
  3. Do Lesbians Fuck?
    “Queer women fuck. We have the hot, sweaty, nasty, delicious sex that has nothing to do with billowing curtains and satin sheets.” That sounds hot!
  4. Do You Miss Cock?
    “Fingers are far more agile than a penis and there are a zillion toys out there to help the cause.” Imaginative and resourceful!
  5. Is One of You the ‘Guy’ in Bed?
    “A thousand times no. Penetration is not the key to female orgasm. It’s a component. Lesbian sex isn’t an imitation of straight sex, which is a very good thing because studies show lesbians have more orgasms.” You know what they say: lesbians have more fun!
  6. Is One of You Always the Aggressor in Bed?
    “The kind of lesbian sex I enjoy the most is the kind I like to call “switch play.” We switch roles depending on our moods and desires.” Sexy!
  7. Do Lesbians Really Enjoy Fisting?
    “Fisting is a real thing. And no, if you’re communicating and doing it right, it doesn’t hurt; it’s awesome.” Fisting and lesbians: both awesome!
  8. Do Lesbians Like Ass-play?
    “Queer men and straight couples don’t get to have all the fun. Whether it’s a dildo, vibrator, or fingers, lesbian sex can also include the back door.” Girls just want to have fun!

In the mood for some fun yourself? We’ve got plenty of creative ways to have an awesome time here!

Here are more answers to frequently asked questions about lesbian sex.

Morrissey Wins Bad Sex in Fiction Award

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sexy-librarianIt’s that time of year again when the British magazine Literary Review nominates all the worst sex scenes “to draw attention to poorly written, perfunctory or redundant passages of sexual description in modern fiction, and to discourage them.” For the past 23 years, some of the best writers have won the famously humiliating award, including John Updike, Norman Mailer, and Tom Wolfe (who won the Bad Sex in Fiction lifetime achievement award!). And this year, Morrissey can count himself among those prestigious, embarrassed winners.

Morrissey wasn’t the only big name among this year’s nominees: Erica Jong, Richard Bausch, Lauren Groff, George Pelecanos, and Thomas Espedal were all shortlisted (read their excerpts below). But when Morrissey’s book List of the Lost came out a few months ago, it was immediately mocked for its truly awful sexual descriptions, with many critics predicting he’d be a shoo-in for the Bad Sex award. Here’s one scene: “Eliza and Ezra rolled together into one giggling snowball of full-figured copulation …with Eliza’s breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra’s howling mouth and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement as it whacked and smacked its way into every muscle of Eliza’s body except for the otherwise central zone.” Literary Review tweeted this at the awards: “In an ideal world this award would be received by Morrissey. Or someone who publishes Morrissey. Or someone who likes Morrissey.” #BadSex

Ouch! In the mood for some howling, frenzied, snowballing fun? We love bulbous salutations!

Check out more excerpts of Bad Sex in Fiction nominees here: https://www.theguardian.com/books/2015/nov/18/bad-sex-award-2015-the-contenders-in-quotes

People Use Airbnb To Get Laid

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best_phone_sex_niteflirt_sex9Business Insider just published a shocking story explaining how people use Airbnb for more than just a comfortable place to crash. You don’t say! According to the piece, lots of guests and hosts are hooking-up and having one night stands! Since the purpose of Airbnb is to rent a room, sometimes sharing a room or a space leads to more than just the usual cordial banter in the hallway on the way to the bathroom.

One 25-year-old architect who fucked a 36-year-old Brazilian guest said, “I asked if she would want to come to my bedroom. She did and we had amazing sex. Mind-blowing. She tip-toed back up to the other bedroom during the night and nobody noticed. This then continued every night for the rest of the week and we slept together every night.” While these types of hot hook-ups probably aren’t the norm, they do happen, and there’s even a Reddit thread dedicated to the sexy phenomenon. Airbnb also commented on the hook-ups between hosts and guests by saying, “We’re trying to ensure that people feel safe in sharing their space, but guests also feel safe in going to that space. The level of engagement those two people want to have is obviously up to them.” We guess what happens in Airbnb stays in Airbnb!

Feel like having a fun rendezvous yourself? We’re always up for some casual action!

Check out more about the people who use Airbnb to get laid here.