The Goopiest Sex Advice From Goop’s First Sex Issue

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LetsTalkSexWhat exactly is Goop sex? None other than Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle advice column for rich health-freaks—but for sex. And as you can probably guess, the sex advice is about as ridiculous and impractical as you’d expect. Here are some of the Goopiest highlights from Goop’s first-ever sex issue.

  1. Become an erotic theater member—for $50,000
    In Los Angeles, you can join an exclusive erotic theater called Snctm for a cool $10,000-$50,000! The theater requires male guests to be a member, be a part of a couple, or reserve dinner. Women can buy tickets and are the only people allowed to touch or initiate contact with another guest.
  2. Only use edible lube
    According to Goop, most lube has parabens, which are “endocrine disruptors.” Therefore, it is only 100% safe to use edible lube. Yeah…
  3. Apply Vitamin E oil or olive oil to your labia to “help moisturize and strengthen the vaginal tissue.”
    Uh huh…. Maybe don’t do that unless you want to sting or infect your pussy?
  4. Condoms have dairy in them
    Vegans, take note!
  5. “Ideally, you want to find a vegan, paraben-free, glycerin-free, Nonoxynal-9-free, and benzocaine- and lidocaine-free condom.”
    Ok, can I get that at the drug store?
  6. Goop’s favorite sex toys include a $395 vibrating necklace, a $535 Agent Provocateur cat whip, and a $15,000 gold dildo.
    First class all the way with Goop sex toys! Now where’s that diamond studded cock ring?
  7. “Kegels are important at all stages of life.”
    Now that’s good advice, Goop!

Looking to enhance your sex life? You don’t need vegan condoms and a $15,000 dildo to have first-class fun!

Check out more about Goop’s first-ever sex issue here: https://jezebel.com/the-goopiest-advice-from-goops-first-ever-sex-issue-1775614748

You Can Masturbate Anywhere With the ‘JerkShirt’

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Image Source: TheJerkShirt.comRemember those goofy glasses with the painted eyes that let you fall asleep without anyone noticing? Well, now there’s a shirt that’s the equivalent—except instead of sleeping, you can jerk off! Introducing the JerkShirt, a shirt that’s equipped with a prosthetic arm so users can furtively masturbate in public. No, this is not a joke.

“Individual’s real hands are hidden underneath the shirt allowing undercover stimulation anytime, anywhere without the fear of getting caught in the act,” the JerkShirt’s maker said in a press release to announce the launch. For $49.99, you can get a nice looking dress shirt, complete with “stain resistant splash guard” (classy), and a prosthetic arm available in four skin colors. While the product may seem to condone illicit public masturbation, its creator has a different take on the shirt with plenty up its sleeve: “With more and more people on their mobile devices than ever before, we wanted to provide them with a seemingly inconspicuous way to enjoy adult entertainment,” president Daron Lundeen said in the release. Hey, Jerk(Shirt): get a room!

Want a different, more legal way to enjoy yourself? We’ve got all the discreet adult entertainment you’ll ever need right here!

Check out more about the JerkShirt here: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/shirt-lets-you-masturbate-anywhere-without-fear-of-getting-caught_us_57348d2ee4b060aa78197523

This Guy Wants the World to Know How to Unlock Your Phone With Your Dick

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What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever done while you were bored? Well, is it weirder than one Reddit user wanting to see if he could unlock his phone with his dick? As if his dick wasn’t versatile enough, he found yet another use for it: unlocking and registering his Samsung Galaxy S7! And now, he feels compelled to “get this info out there” to the world wide web.

“Boredom and curiosity got the best of me,” user meatwad75892 wrote on Reddit. “Tonight I discovered that you can successfully register & unlock a Galaxy S7 with a penis as a ‘fingerprint.’” Fascinating! He continues, “So if you’re just as curious as I was and happen to have a Y chromosome, turn your junk upside down and give it a shot.” As you can imagine, several Reddit users responded with many other things they do with their cocks and phones. Meatwad75892 also reported that he tried to register his tongue, left testicle and nipples with varying results. The internet and the world of technology science thanks you for your important contribution, Meatwad.

Looking for imaginative ways to satiate your curiosity? We’re versatile and open to discovery here!

Check out more about the guy who unlocked his phone with his dick: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/so-it-seems-you-can-unlock-your-cell-phone-with-your-penis_us_57320ae6e4b096e9f092c3d7

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Porn Parody—Cowabunga!

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It was only a matter of time before the good folks at Woodrocket.com realized that there is a sizable demographic who would love to see some hot Ninja Turtle XXX action! You can now watch all your favorite characters from the beloved ’90s comic get down and dirty in the sewers in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles XXX parody, “Ten Inch Mutant Ninja Turtles.” That’s right, these guys are really “cumming out of [their] shells” in this hilarious and hot porn parody.

turtlebra

“You know what porn is the best porn? Pizza guy porn!” April O’Neil and Spreader (the hot female version of Shredder) are going to get a serious taste of Michelangeblow’s, Dongatello’s, and Raphallus’ “turtle wax.” There’s even Master Sphincter (“I am a furry”)! Get ready for these horny Ninja Turtles to “show you the secret of the ooze, the secret of the splooge!” Cowabunga, dudes!

Are you a dude looking to “rock out with your cock out”? Let’s get “50 shades of green” right here!

Check out more about the “Ten Inch Mutant Ninja Turtles” here: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/teenage-mutant-ninja-turtles-porn-parody_us_5730a165e4b096e9f091eb59

12 Sex Positions Everyone in a Long Term Relationship Should Try

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Image(s) Source: Flo Perry/BuzzFeedWhether or not you’re looking to spice up your sex life, Buzzfeed has you covered with their newest illustrated article, “12 Sex Positions Everyone in a Long Term Relationship Should Try.” If you’re in a long term relationship, you’ll probably recognize at least a few of these—everything from pets watching you fuck to trying not to make any noise while getting it on at your parent’s place. Here are the 12 sex positions you’re probably very familiar with in a long term relationship.

  1. The “Still Secretly Watching TV” position.
    Ah, yes. You start fooling around on the couch, but just can’t bring yourself to stop watching once the “Netflix and chill” commences.
  2. The “Weird Thing You Read About So You’ll Try It Once” position.
    Novel sex, i.e., try it once and leave it alone sex.
  3. The “Least Movement Possible Spooning” position.
    Now that’s some lazy, lazy sex. Great if you’re really, really hungover.
  4. The “Pet Is Judging Us” position.
    Oh, those quirky pets! Sometimes, they’re just too cute to move…
  5. The “Sex With All Your Clothes On” position.
    AKA, the “It’s fucking freezing!” sex
  6. The “Really Fucking Quiet” position.
    AKA, the “Don’t want parents to hear us have sex” sex
  7. The “I Did Something Different To My Pubes” position
    Ta dah! Let’s fuck!
  8. The “We Must Have Sex In This Hotel Immediately” position.
    What is it about hotel sex that is just so freakin’ hot?!
  9. The “Terribly Impractical Bathroom” position.
    “Splish splash, we were taking a bath…”
  10. The “We Only Have 25 Minutes Before We Have To Leave The House” position.
    One, two, three orgasm!
  11. The “We Are Both Home Alone In The Middle Of The Day” position.
    Sounds like the perfect day to us!
  12. The “Same Shit You Always Do” position.
    Old Reliable is always welcome!

Looking to spice things up yourself? Whatever position you’re hankering for, we are always game to try!

Check out “12 Sex Positions Everyone in a Long Term Relationship Should Try” and all of Flo Perry’s fantastic illustrations here.

Man Gives Sex Worker a Small Primate as a Tip

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PikachuSexAn Oregon man was just arrested for giving a prostitute a primate named “Gooey” as a tip in exchange for some hot jungle love. It seems the man stole Gooey from the pet store he owns. Gooey is a small and adorable “bush baby” in the Galago primate family. And if that wasn’t strange enough, the man also paid the sex worker in stolen Girl Scout Cookie money!

The pet store owner John was later caught driving high on meth after leaving a porn store. He was charged with a DUI, prostitution, and hauled off to the county Jail. Gooey is thankfully safe and being kept at a local animal sanctuary for now. And, hopefully, the cute primate will no longer be used as currency for sex! We aren’t sure, but this must be the strangest tip a sex worker has ever received. One would hope, anyway.

Looking to get into some strange stuff yourself? We accept tips in non-primate form!

Check out more about the man who gave a prostitute a primate as a tip here: https://www.portlandmercury.com/blogtown/2016/04/22/17941783/eugene-man-gives-gooey-as-tip-to-prostitute-gooey-is-a-primate

Study Shows Watching Porn Promotes Safe Sex

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condompinConsidering porn’s bad rap, especially Utah’s recent denouncement of it as an “epidemic,” many wouldn’t believe that adult entertainment actually promotes safe sex. But the porn industry just got a pretty unlikely endorsement—from science! A new study released by Columbia University shows that gay men who watch porn are actually sexually healthier than those who don’t.

The study surveyed 265 men who have sex with men, finding that those who watched porn were more likely to practice safe sex. “Among the 92 percent who reported watching condomless porn, nearly half admitted that the images had influenced them to have condomless sex. The men agreed that pornography depicting safe sex encouraged them to wear a condom as well,” reports the Daily Beast. What this means is that despite porn being labeled as “detrimental” and “dangerous,” it has the potential to help people to practice safe sex. So instead of denouncing porn, perhaps policy makers should be trying to positively influence behavior by making more sexually explicit images available. Thank you, science!

Want to have a sexy and positive experience? Come keep it safe with us!

Check out more about the study that shows watching porn promotes safe sex here: https://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2016/04/28/the-simple-secret-to-safer-sex.html

Photo Series Explores the Fetish Community of Female Masking

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Daniel Handal is a photographer who was interested in exploring the female masking community, or a group of men who like to put on women’s fetish wear and latex masks to transform themselves into living dolls. Handal was fascinated with the way these men who wear female masks “create multi-layered alter egos and assume fictional characters while documenting their role playing with photographs and sharing stories on community blogs.” He wanted to photograph the strange and kinky fetish world, but he found that the only way he could gain access was to don a mask himself!

He first met his subjects at Rubber Doll World Rendezvous, an annual conference for female maskers. But he wanted to photograph the female maskers in a more natural setting where the role-play and exhibition aspects of the fetish culture could truly be expressed. His documentary style approach—while wearing a female mask himself—allowed him to capture the action while actually participating in fetish play as well. “His camera made him stand out, but because he was also in costume, he was also part of the subculture” reports Slate. Now that the photo series is complete, Handal wants people to see the complexity of the female maskers, but also not to take anything too seriously—“It’s role playing, meant to be wicked fun,” he says.

Looking for some “wicked fun” yourself? Come play with us!

Check out more about the photo series that explores female masking here: https://www.slate.com/blogs/behold/2016/04/21/daniel_handal_s_documents_the_members_of_the_female_masking_fetish_community.html

6 of the Most Phallic Places in the World

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best_phone_sex_niteflirt_eatingIn many places in the world, penis worship is a thing to be celebrated. From Indian temples honoring the Hindu goal of sexual desire to cheeky erotic-themed parks, cocks abound in all their glory. Here are 6 of the most phallic places in the world (check out the full list below).

  1. Kanamara Matsuri — Kawasaki, Japan
    On the first Sunday of every April, Kanamara Matsuri, or “Festival of the Steel Phallus,” is held as a phallic-oriented celebration to encourage fertility and marital bliss amongst couples. Sounds like a good time!
  2. Khajuraho Group of Monuments — Madhya Pradesh, India
    This mesmerizing collection of 20 surviving temples dedicated to Hinduism and Jainism depicts one of Hinduism’s four goals in life sculpted into the temple walls: Kāma, or sexual desire. We’ll just say the Kama Sutra gets all its hottest moves from this place!
  3. Chao Mae Tuptim Shrine — Bangkok, Thailand
    This shrine located in downtown Bangkok honors a female fertility spirit. Women who are trying to conceive often leave lotus and jasmine at the site and, if they are blessed, will return to add an additional wooden penis.
  4. Jeju Loveland — Jeju Island, South Korea
    Loveland is a sculpture park located on the South Korean island of Jeju. “With over 140 sculptures depicting crude sexual acts, Jeju Loveland has become a highly popular tourist destination for those looking for a more risqué museum experience,” explains Buzzfeed.
  5. The Cerne Abbas Giant — Dorset, England
    This 17th century, 180-foot-tall geoglyph depicts a fully erect pagan warrior, believed to be a symbol of fertility. According to local folklore, infertility can be cured by fucking on top of the giant’s massive erection!
  6. Bourani Festival — Tyrnavos, Greece
    In this family-friendly, pagan ritual dating back to ancient Dionysian rites, people celebrate the cock by drinking to excess, singing dirty songs, and chasing each other around with giant fake dicks. Man, the Greeks know how to party!

Looking for a phallic-centric celebration? Come party with us!

Check out more of the most phallic places in the world here: https://www.buzzfeed.com/gabrielsanchez/how-many-penises-do-you-spot?utm_term=.ajX4Y2orBA#.sqn0J84dmQ

Porn Site Specializing in Male Pregnancy Fetish Is a Youtube Hit

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mpregA strange new fetish is growing on Youtube like a big pregnant belly: MPREG, or M(ale)Preg(nancy). If the idea of seeing muscular, manly straight guys with ripe pregnant bellies turns you on, then MPREG is the fetish for you! And now, porn company Film911 is specializing in MPREG fetish on its site because, as the founder says, “there was no content out there catering to what I’m into. I own a production company, so why don’t I produce content geared toward what I’m into?”

Ironically, Film911 has become very popular because of its niche offerings. In addition to MPREG, it also offers a variety of fetish porn, including “feet and belly button worship, gut punching, tickling, vore (short for vorarephilia, or the desire to be eaten) stuffing, where men stuff their faces with pizza then belch loudly while showing off their enormous bellies, and CPR, where men pretend to die and need to be resuscitated with defibrillators,” according to the Gaily Grind. Film911’s founder thinks the appeal of MPREG and the other fetish porn comes from an attraction to domination. A strong, pregnant man and a guy getting punched in the stomach or swallowed whole are really about submission and domination, even if the power aspect isn’t immediately clear.

Feel like getting into some kinky stuff yourself? We are all about strange fetishes here!

Check out more about the porn site specializing in male pregnancy fetish here: https://www.thegailygrind.com/2016/04/27/porn-company-specializing-in-male-pregnancy-erotica-is-a-youtube-hit/