Category: LOL!

5 Things Only Picky Porn Watchers Will Understand

Image Credit: Kimberly_Gedeon and Buzz Feed

If you’ve ever spent an embarrassing amount of time finding “The Perfect Video,” you are probably a picky porn watcher. Whether it’s the music, the sex noises or the setting, everything has to be just right before you commit to getting off. Here are 5 things picky porn watchers will probably relate to… (check out the comics below).

  1. You search for the “porn of all porns”

While you only get a few seconds of orgasmic fireworks, you still spend eons searching for that diamond in the rough, aka, “porn perfection.”

  1. You’ve gotten bored of all the porn you’ve bookmarked

Once you’ve found your Holy Grail of porn, you of course bookmark it. But lo and behold, after watching it more than twice, you’re back to searching for the next Holy Grail!

  1. If the thumbnail sucks, the video will suck, too

If you’ve developed this rule of thumb, you are a seasoned porn enthusiast. If a video looks bad upon first glance, the whole video is most often trash. Always trust the thumbnail!

  1. You’ve got very specific tastes

You know what you like—kinks and fetishes—and can’t watch a video unless it has what you want to see.

  1. You often skip over parts in the video because you don’t have time to waste

Well, they don’t call it the money shot for nothing!

Looking for something specific? We always have what you want here at NiteFlirt!

Check out more about picky porn watchers: https://www.buzzfeed.com/thewritingmaven/7-comics-only-picky-porn-watchers-would-understand-2hzoh

Inside Europe’s Biggest Sex Festival

Image credit: Dailymail.com

Swingfields is the perfect way to kick off summer for kinksters in Europe. The swinger’s event is a three-day fuck-fest where hundreds of people attend themed parties like “special plans” and “Swingfields magic.” Horny participants pitch tents at the event’s secretive location, which is only revealed 48-hours in advance and by signs saying: “Sex fest this way.”

Attendees enjoy plenty of kinky equipment, such as medieval stocks, four-poster beds, and love hammocks set up all around the festival’s grounds. There’s also a paddling pool with nearby chairs for revelers to enjoy the action. The website offers a glossary of terms for festival-goers to become familiar with before arrival, like a “unicorn,” or a single woman “in the lifestyle.” This party knows how to get summer off to a swinging start!

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Check out more about Europe’s biggest swinger’s festival: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-5904205/Inside-Europes-biggest-sex-festival-Medieval-stocks-four-poster-bed-love-hammocks-set-up.html

Colbert Spoils World Record Breaking Orgy Attempt

feetThanks to Colbert, the world’s largest orgy failed because no one came—literally. The Menage Life festival in Las Vegas attempted to set the record for the world’s largest orgy, but out of the 1,000 registrants, only 375 people showed up. And it’s all Colbert’s fault.

“On his show, the comedian revealed the location of the orgy record attempt, an Embassy Suites hotel, upsetting hotel operator Hilton who forced organizers to relocate twice,” reports HuffPo. On “The Late Show” recently, Stephen Colbert delivered the disappointing news to his audience. Way to cock-block the world’s biggest orgy, Colbert!

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Check out more about how Colbert ruined the world’s largest orgy attempt: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/stephen-colbert-revealed-a-world-record-orgy-attempt-and-then-no-one-came_us_5b251859e4b0f9178a9d7712

Jeff Goldblum Meets Dinosaur Erotica Author Chuck Tingle

Image Credit: The Daily Dot

Who can forget Jeff Goldblum as the very sexy, shirtless hero from the first two Jurassic Park movies? Definitely not Chuck Tingle, the gay erotica author who rose to internet fame after publishing dinosaur erotica. Tingle was an overnight sensation after publishing his very first short story “My Billionaire Triceratops Craves Gay Ass,” which was followed with classics such as “Gay T-Rex Law Firm: Executive Boner,” “Space Raptor Butt Invasion,” and of course, “Gaygent Brontosaurus: The Butt Is Not Enough.”

As Daily Dot says, “For the two to cross (internet) paths seems almost serendipitous—and that’s just what happened when Goldblum stopped by Reddit for an AMA to promote his new movie.” Tingle introduced himself with, “i am dr chuck tingle worlds greatest author of dinosaur stories you are HANDSOME JEFFS worlds greatest actor of dinosaur movies.” He then asked Goldblum who the actor thinks is the most handsome dinosaur (“Lawyer Dinosaur, Bad Boy Biker Dinosaur, or Handsome Doctor Dinosaur?”). “Handsome Jeffs” gamely replied, “Well Doctor, we obviously have a very magical connection. I love all your ideas, and I would say the handsomest dinosaur is Handsome Doctor.” We sense an erotic fan-fic featuring Handsome Jeffs and a handsome dinosaur in the works!

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Check out more about Jeff Goldblum’s conversation with Chuck Tingle: https://www.dailydot.com/unclick/jeff-goldblum-meets-chuck-tingle/

Russian Politician Warns Against Sex With Foreigners During World Cup

Annas Your Escape03One Russian politician is very concerned about “scoring” during the World Cup. Tamara Pletnyova told women that they should abstain from sex with foreigners visiting the country for the tournament. The Family, Women and Children Affairs Committee chairwoman warned that “nothing good will come out of . . . the inappropriate behavior of Russian women.”

The politician’s concerns come after the Argentine Football Association distributed a widely criticized booklet to World Cup sports reporters, which included a chapter called “How to stand a chance with a Russian girl.” But Pletnyova seemed more concerned with protecting women from becoming single parents. Meanwhile, companies involved in this year’s World Cup — including FIFA and Russian Railways — are having employees take classes to learn how to smile and make tourists feel more welcome.

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Check out more on Russian politician warns against sex with foreigners during World Cup: https://nypost.com/2018/06/13/russian-politician-warns-women-against-sex-with-foreigners-during-world-cup/

Publix Bakery Censored ‘Summa Cum Laude’ On Cake

FacebookCake_znx8cqIt seems the grocery chain Publix wasn’t very excited about celebrating a graduating senior’s summa cum laude status. Students who graduate in the top 1-to 5-percent of their class are awarded the distinction summa cum laude, Latin for “with the highest distinction,” but apparently Publix didn’t get the memo. A mother of a graduating senior ordered a cake to celebrate her son’s academic achievement—only to find it was censored by the bakery.

“The Lakeland-based Publix edited out ‘cum’—in this context the Latin word for “with”—since it was deemed profane by its website’s algorithm,” reports Gaily Grind. The mother told The Washington Post that her son was “absolutely humiliated” by the error. Instead of the word “cum,” the cake had three dashes, the way a profane word would be edited when appearing in print. “It was unbelievable. I ordered the special graduation edition cake. I can’t believe I’m the first one to ever write ‘Summa Cum Laude’ on a cake,” she said.

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Check out more about a bakery censoring ‘summa cum laude’ on a graduate’s cake: https://thegailygrind.com/2018/05/22/publix-baker-censored-summa-cum-laude-cake-thought-cum-naughty-word/

Try And Spot The Sex Toy Out Of These ‘Discreet’ Adult Products

best_phone_sex_niteflirt_sextoys7These days, it’s often hard to tell the difference between a sex toy and a stylish decoration. That’s because some very clever sex toy companies now make “discreet” products, meant to be left right out on your bedside table or even in the living room with no one wondering what it’s doing there. But don’t let their inconspicuous designsfool you—they still pack a powerful punch when it comes to making you cum.

One company even markets the product by placing them casually around the house so they blend in with the furniture. Smile Makers sell five separate vibrators, each one targeting a different part of the pussy, while TENGA Iroha+ Kushi Clitoral Discreet Vibrator has a shell-like exterior that makes it almost impossible to tell what it’s for. Dame’s Eva, the hands-free clitoral stimulator, is another popular “discreet” option. As Daily Mail says, “Just like skincare these brands are hoping to revolutionize the space with minimal-fuss and maximum impact.”

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Check out more about discreet sex toys: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-5627511/Can-spot-discreet-sex-toy.html

Be A Hero In The Bedroom With These ‘Avengers’ Sex Toys

best_phone_sex_niteflirt_mens_sex_toysAs if the new Avengers movie wasn’t thrilling enough, now fans have something even more exciting to look forward to. An Australian sex toy company called Geeky Sex Toys is debuting a new line of Avengers-themed adult novelties in anticipation of Avengers: Infinity War. The company tweeted this teaser: “The time has come!! We are very excited to release out new team of superheroes into the hands of all your naughty nerds!!”

Daily Dot reports, “There’s a naughty version of Thor’s trusty hammer mjölnir, a golden ‘Infinity Fist’ toy, and even a replica of what the company thinks the Hulk’s anatomy looks like.” That’s right: giant green dildos, Captain America butt plugs, and so much more for fans to enjoy. Rest assured, these are not gag gifts (which is reflected in the price), but quality, body-safe sex toys for fans who actually want to get off with Thor’s hammer.

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Check out more about Avengers-themed sex toys: https://www.dailydot.com/parsec/avengers-sex-toys-marvel/

German Man Gets Giant 9-Pound Dick With Penis Enlargements

best_phone_sex_niteflirt_lab_penisA gay German man has taken his desire for a bigger dick to the extreme. He’s undergone so many silicone injections to enlarge his cock that it now weighs a staggering 7.5 to 9.5 pounds, and is around 3.5 inches wide and 9 inches long (check out images below). “I can’t say exactly how much it weighs, I just know that my kitchen scale, which shows up to 6.6lb, hasn’t been enough for a while,” he told Vice.

His dick is so big that he can no longer have normal erections or casual sex, since going to town on another man requires “some foreplay,” to put it mildly. “But there are other things you can do with it,” he explains. “You just have to free yourself from established roles and ideas about sex and be ready to play.” He says that he decided to enlarge his penis because he was intrigued by shaping and changing his body. It’s fair to say he’s exceeded his wish…and then some.

Looking for something extreme? We’re always ready to play here on NiteFlirt!

Check out more about the man with the 9-pound dick: https://thegailygrind.com/2015/04/11/gay-german-dude-gets-giant-penis-enlargement-now-says-its-too-big-for-sex/

 

7 Sex Stories That Are Both Hilarious and Cringeworthy

LetsTalkSexSometimes it’s possible for sex to be both hilarious and horrifying. And these real sex stories definitely check both boxes. Here are the most cringeworthy sex horror stories from BuzzFeed readers (check out more below).

  1. The cum stain“I was on top of my boyfriend, jerking him off. He came all over himself and we cleaned everything. That afternoon I went to my grandma’s house, and it was only when sitting all together with my family that I noticed that some of his cum had shot onto my black shirt. I then had to go run some errands with my boyfriend with a cum-stained shirt.” Lots of stares!
  2. The blizzard “We started having no-blankets-on, bare-ass-naked sex, and all of the sudden I heard a ‘WOAH guys!’My grandpa was standing in the doorway holding two Blizzards. We scurried under the blankets, he walked over, handed us the Blizzards, and left.” Thanks for the refreshments, grandpa!
  3. Vacation sex gone wrong“My (former) boyfriend and I started fooling around while we were in one of those huge two-people hammocks while on vacation in Mexico. Mid-romp, the hammock busted and I fell, shoulder first, into the tree stump under the hammock net. I spent two days in a Mexican community hospital and left Mexico with a fractured arm, no tan, and enough shame to last a lifetime.” Wah wah wah.
  4. Jaw-dropping pussy eating“I was hooking up with my brother’s friend, and he started going down on me, getting ~really~ into it. When he finally came up for air, he tried to say something but literally couldn’t speak!He couldn’t move his jaw! I had to call an ambulance and the doctor had to yank his jaw back into place.” Now that’ssome enthusiastic head!
  5. The quick clean-up“I once had sex in a changing room at the mall. When we finished, there was a *mess* on the floor. We had nothing with us to clean it up, so I hope no one bought the jacket we used on the floor.” You fuck it you bought it?
  6. The unexpected queef“Everything was hot and steamy and romantic while hooking up with my boyfriend…until I let out a huge queef on his dick. While he was inside me. It sounded like a deflated balloon.” Whoops!
  7. The Jaws (sex) scene“We were going for round two in the early morning the next day, only for him to look down and see a bunch of blood. My period had came a week early. After showering, and laying in bed, my boyfriend said, ‘It was like a shark attacked my dick!’” Nothing like a good horror movie to set the mood!

Looking for a sexual experience you’ll never forget? Let’s get real on NiteFlirt!

Check out more sex horror stories: https://www.buzzfeed.com/cieravelarde/sex-horror-stories-from-horror-story-a-day