Morrissey’s Sex Scene Is So Awful It Inspired a Good Sex Award

imagesMorrissey’s latest foray into fiction writing has made him Twitter’s laughing stock and a shoo-in for this year’s Bad Sex Awards. Between his description of a boner as a “bulbous salutation” and his part about breasts “barrel-rolling” across the protagonist, Morrissey certainly made readers blush with his painfully bad sex scene. Thankfully, some great authors have done a much better job at writing good sex scenes. Here’s some of the best:

  1. Gustave Flaubert, Madame Bovary
    “The cloth of her habit caught against the velvet of his coat. She threw back her white neck, swelling with a sigh, and faltering, in tears, with a long shudder and hiding her face, she gave herself up to him.”
  2. Annie Proulx, Brokeback Mountain
    “…their mouths came together, and hard, Jack’s big teeth bringing blood, his hat falling to the floor, stubble rasping, wet saliva welling, and…pressing chest and groin and thigh and leg together, treading on each other’s toes until they pulled apart to breathe and Ennis, not big on endearments, said what he said to his horses and his daughters, little darlin.”
  3. Anaïs Nin, Delta of Venus
    “She pushed his hand away, took his sex into her mouth again, and with her two hands she encircled his sexual parts, caressed him and absorbed him until he came. He leaned over with gratitude, tenderness, and murmured, ‘You are the first woman, the first woman, the first woman …’”
  4. Arundhati Roy, The God of Small Things
    “She tasted him, salty, in her mouth. He sat up and drew her back to him. She felt his belly tighten under her, hard as a board. She felt her wetness slipping on his skin. He took her nipple in his mouth and cradled her other breast in his calloused palm. Velvet gloved in sandpaper.”

Feel like having an erotic experience that will leave you crying out “little darlin’”? We can make you say “I just can’t quit you” right here!

More good sex writing can be found here.

Vietnamese Censors Plan to Cut Sex Scenes to Just Five Seconds

best_phone_sex_niteflirt_cocks_on_filmFilm censors in Vietnam are planning to limit all sex scenes in films to just five seconds, regardless of how explicit or racy they are. The censors are also planning on only allowing no more than three “hot scenes” per film—whatever that means. The censorship is infuriating filmmakers who complain that their freedom of expression is being seriously threatened.

Producer Nguyen Van Nhiem said “sex is a natural activity and there is no need to ask artists to keep artful sex scenes short,” while award-winning director Nguyen Thanh Van argues that a scene “should be judged for its production and artistic value, not how technically long it is… Some shots are under a second but they are unbearable anyway.” While they make good points, this isn’t the first time Vietnamese censors have been excessively prudish with sex scenes: Fifty Shades of Grey lost 20 minutes of running time before it could be released, with all the famous BDSM scenes removed and only innocuous kissing scenes left in. Others are complaining that the censors are sexist, since they only define “hot scenes” as having a “totally nude actress.” If the censors continue this way, all audiences will be left saying is “Boo!”

Feel like having some “hot scenes” yourself? We are all about celebrating freedom of (sexy) expression here!

Here’s more about the Vietnamese censors’ plan.

Hologram Porn Takes Virtual Sex to the Next Level

best_phone_sex_niteflirt_oculus_xxxBrian Shuster, the pioneer who brought porn to the internet in the ’90s, now wants to up virtual reality’s and 3-D porn’s game with his newest innovation: hologram porn. Shuster is trying to start a new wave of virtual reality porn because he’s dissatisfied with current realistic but limited VR porn, like the newly released Oculus Rift. He envisions an immersive experience in a 3-D space where users can move around and see details as minute as hair follicles, just like you’d experience in real life.

Schuster says, “In current virtual reality you can turn your head and see where the performers are located, so you can look all around the scene, but from the standpoint of a performance you are still seeing porn performers from one angle in 3D.” He plans to change that by using live-action holograms that will enable users to view a performer from every angle. He’s also working on Syntholograms, or a realistically filmed scene where users can walk around their environment without seeing a cutoff. Schuster is currently trying to crowdfund his ambitious, extremely expensive 360-degree porn dream, promising live-action holograms “that will ensure your VR porn experiences in the future will be as mind-blowing as Sandra Bullock’s and Sylvester Stallone’s in Demolition Man.” But for now, 180-degree VR porn is still pretty amazing!

Feel like having an immersive, mind-blowing experience yourself? Who needs VR when you have NiteFlirt?!

Check out more about hologram porn here!

Couple Sentenced For Oral Sex in McDonald’s Drive-Thru

5853402099_526621149f_oA frisky British couple got really, really hungry (for each other!) in a McDonald’s drive-thru recently. After they admitted to having oral sex in the drive-thru, a judge indicted them for public Mcindecency. “You turned yourselves and your car into a human zoo,” Judge Paul Thomas said in the courtroom after viewing a 20-minute clip of the kinky incident.

The couple apparently rolled into the drive-thru in the early hours of the morning while drunk. Then, when their food took too long, the woman began to give her man some conspicuous head with her legs dangling out the window. But most shockingly, the man preceded to finger her from behind in full view of the car behind them! “Your animalistic lust led the two of you to abandon any shred of decency and self respect,” the judge told them. Or maybe they just wanted to have it “their way!”

Feel like some animalistic lust yourself? We can definitely make you say “I’m lovin’ it!” here!

Check out more about the couple who got busted for oral sex in a McDonald’s drive-thru here.

How Long Sex Lasts Versus How Long (We Think) We Want it to Last

best_phone_sex_niteflirt_havingsexIn pop culture, getting it on “all night long” and “till the break of dawn” seems to be the gold standard that makes sex great. So it makes sense that there’s a disconnect between how long sex lasts and how long people think they’d like it to last. But does longer sex mean better sex? Maureen O’Connor reported in New York that 75 percent of men prematurely ejaculated within only two minutes in 1948, whereas men now usually last on average between 5.7 and 7.5 minutes. Even though sex lasts much longer now, 80 percent of participants in a survey said they wanted sex to last 30 minutes or longer—at least twice as long!

O’Connor reports that “According to…sex therapists, sex is ‘too short’ when it lasts one to two minutes. ‘Adequate’ is three to seven minutes, and ‘desirable’ is seven to 13. The range for ‘too long’ went up to 30 minutes.” So why is that most people say that they want sex to be double what it is when “too long” can often be, well, too long? Despite porn’s and pop culture’s influence on what we think of as good sex, duration is not the most important factor. Good sex is really more about all the things that make it good—how hot it is, a partner’s responsiveness, how good you cum, etc.

Feel like having some “desirable” experiences yourself? We have all the right ingredients to make it great right here!

Here’s more about how long sex lasts versus how long we want it to last here:

Pumping Pussy

Written by KatyStressRelief

Pussy pumping is a fun way to enhance your sexual experience. This morning I have been fixated on being on my back with my legs spread wide as you place the pump over my lips. Turning on the pump, the flesh is sucked causing it to swell.

The blood rushing to the skin making it more sensitive and the nerves firing bolts of pleasure through my body. The feeling of your tongue and lips probing the softy, swollen flesh would set me on fire. I would be begging to experience the sensations of your hard cock parting my puffy pussy lips and pushing inside. My pussy would grip your cock tight and milk your jizz out of those heavy balls.

I also was thinking of having my clit pump. There isn’t anything that feels better than having a pump pulling and sucking on my hard, throbbing clit. I often find myself squirting just from that stimulation alone. Then once it is sucked big and hard you can wrap your lips around it and suck it yourself. Truly making it into my cunt cock.

I could not imagine how good it would feel to you to have that hard swollen clit rubbing up and down your shaft as you pump into me. I know you would love it as much as I do. Do you have a fetish that turns you on like pumping does for me? I would love to hear about it. Give me a call and let’s talk about what special sexual experience, situation or even device makes you shoot your load the hardest.

Some Boys in the Dominican Republic Don’t Grow Dicks Until Puberty

genitaliafruitA new BBC series called Countdown to Life: The Extraordinary Making of You explores a strange phenomenon in the Dominican Republic where boys who were thought to be girls suddenly grow penises at puberty. These seemingly sex-swapping group of people are called “guevedoces,” or “penis at twelve.” Because they do not have obvious male genitalia at birth, they are raised as girls until around the age of twelve when it becomes abundantly clear that they are in fact boys.

The condition is the result of an enzyme deficiency, so even though guevedoces have Y chromosomes and testosterone, they aren’t able to make the chemical that causes the penis and scrotum to emerge. Their genitalia stay tucked inside the abdomen, which is why the boys appear to look female despite having internal reproductive systems that are male. It isn’t until puberty when the testes inside their abdomens start producing large amounts of testosterone that they grow penises and take on male characteristics, like facial hair, a deeper voice, and a male physique. While the change is abrupt and startling for both the boys and their families, most often they quickly adjust to their new bodies. Sexual development is amazing!

Come celebrate the miracles of the human body with us!

Gizmodo has more about guevedoces.

The 3 Types of Sex Every Couple Should Have

Image Source: Flickr - 434pics

Let’s face it, having regular, good sex is great for a relationship. And once you’ve been in a relationship for long enough, you start to notice the different types of sex you’re having and how mixing them up can keep things interesting. That’s why the bestselling author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus advises all couples to make sure they’re having these 3 types of sex on a regular basis to heighten their intimacy and keep things spicy in the bedroom.

  1. Romantic “Gourmet” Sex
    This is the type of sex that includes thoughtful planning before the main event. Picture a romantic evening followed by a candle-lit bedroom set up complete with sensual music. “You’ve had all evening to build up the tension, and then you release it through sex,” the author says. “That’s gourmet sex.”
  2. Healthy “Home-Cooked” Sex
    This is your regular, no-frills but still awesome sex. It takes less time and effort than romantic sex—maybe 15 or 20 minutes of foreplay before getting down to business—but couples should make time for it at least once or twice a week.
  3. Quickie Sex
    Whether it’s a handjob, blowjob, or a quick 3-minute fuck, this is meant to be an in-and-out kind of thing squeezed in between busy schedules. You don’t need to take your time here, which is all part of the fun!

Feel like spicing things up in the bedroom yourself? We definitely know how to keep things fun and interesting here!

Check out more about the 3 types of sex every couple should be having here.

One Million Moms Outraged By the New, Sexually Charged Muppets

Artwork by NACHO DIAZ @ NaolitoArt.com

You might remember One Million Moms from their tirades against basically anything gay or fun on television (like a lesbian yogurt ad, for example. No, seriously). Well, they’re back again to shake their fists furiously at the TV over the latest controversy—a new Muppets show that is apparently much too racy for impressionable youngsters. That’s right, One Million Moms is starting a campaign against the no longer “family-friendly” show, stating: “One ad read, ‘Finally, a network TV show with full frontal nudity.’ Technically, the advertisement is correct – seeing how Kermit doesn’t wear pants.”

Not only are they outraged over a pantless frog, but also Miss Piggy’s openly “pro-choice feminist” interview on MSNBC. “The puppet characters loved by kids in the 1970s and 1980s and beyond are now weighing in on abortion and promiscuity,” One Million Moms says. While these people are clearly crazy, there have actually been other, sane people who have also commented on all the sexy antics of the new show, which focuses quite a bit on romantic relationships. In a recently released video, Kermit gets come-fuck-me eyes from a lusty Muppet (not Miss Piggy; scandalous!), Miss Piggy, aka The Makeout Queen, cheats on Kermit, and Fozzie Bear’s special lady friend’s parents scold her for “being intimate” with wildlife.

Here’s more about the new, sexy Muppets!